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Showing posts with label Online dating. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Online dating. Show all posts

Tuesday, June 03, 2025

Online Dating + AI: Fixing Online Dating: Why Better Design Matters More Than Better AI

 

Fixing Online Dating: Why Better Design Matters More Than Better AI

Online dating is broken—not because we lack smart algorithms, but because the foundation has been flawed from the start.

Dating apps have prioritized engagement metrics over real-world outcomes. The revenue models reward addictive swiping, gamified attraction, and fantasy-driven illusions. Women often end up flooded with attention from the top 10% of men, creating an unrealistic marketplace of desire. Men, meanwhile, are stuck in message limbo—ghosted or endlessly chatting with no real dates in sight.

This hasn’t been dating. It’s been clickbait.

AI is no magic fix. A bad system amplified by AI is just a worse system. But if the foundation is healthy, AI can serve as a supportive layer—an ally, not a manipulator.

Here’s how it can work:

  • Message to Meet: The only goal of messaging should be to decide whether to meet. No endless chats. No performative small talk.

  • One Like at a Time: You should only be able to express interest in one person at a time. No swipe sprees. No shopping-cart dating. Intentionality matters.

  • AI as Support, Not Substitute: Use AI where it can truly help: as a therapist to process dating anxiety, a coach to improve confidence and social skills, or a relationship assistant to help you reflect after a date. These are roles AI can play with empathy and discretion.

  • From First Date to Second: AI can prompt helpful reflections. "How did that go?" "Were you heard?" "Were you listening?" But this only works if the app is designed to nudge real human connection, not just more app usage.

Still, let’s not forget: friends do this better. They know you. They can set you up, give honest feedback, and remind you who you are. If you don’t have a few close human connections yet, maybe that’s where the journey should begin.

Because what we need is not more AI-generated romance—but less loneliness. And for that, the solution starts with redesigning the system to be human-first, AI-assisted, and love-centered.


A New Vision for Dating Apps: Start With the Self

A truly transformative dating app won’t begin by asking who you want to date. It will start by asking: who are you?

The first role of a great dating platform should be self-reflection. Using guided questions, therapeutic prompts, and maybe even AI-powered journaling, it helps you understand your values, desires, fears, and patterns. Before swiping on anyone else, you’re swiping through yourself.

Next, it helps you explore your expectations—not just listing them, but interrogating them. Are they rooted in reality or fantasy? Are they shaped by culture, trauma, ego, or hope? And as you better understand what you’re looking for, the app gently helps you temper expectations where needed. Not to lower your standards, but to root them in mutuality, growth, and human complexity.

And here’s the magic: because the app helps every user do this—know themselves, clarify their wants, and grow emotionally—it becomes a better matchmaker. You’re not just matched by proximity or photos, but by compatible journeys.

Then, it becomes a relationship coach. After the first date, it checks in. Were you heard? Did you feel safe? Are you aligned in values or just chemistry? As the connection grows, the app grows with you—offering nudges, guidance, and even tools for resolving early misunderstandings.

In this model, dating apps stop being marketplaces and start becoming mentors. They don’t just find you a date. They help you become someone who’s ready to build a healthy relationship—and match you with someone on the same path.

That’s not just a better app. That’s a better foundation for love.

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Monday, February 15, 2010

Online Dating Newsflash: Race And Religion Matter

There are some people who believe the Internet is supposed to have created the New Human. And, surprise surprise, that does not seem to be the case. The technology itself will not do it. Although it does help catalyze the processes that one hopes will lead to human betterment. But the good versus evil fight will continue with this technology as any other. Overall I think the Internet is a major force for good, something fundamental, I would even call it millenial, as in something this good only happens once every thousand years, maybe. But the Internet is as much a reflection of who we are as it is a reflection of who we can become. It is said of New York City that the most diverse city on earth is also the most segregated. We mingle and then go back to our own ethnic enclaves.

Plenty Of Fish: Online Dating King

I looked through the OKCupid numbers. My personal conclusion is, race matters, but not all that much. Get a haircut, work on your manners, say hello. And when there is no chemistry, respect.

"White women prefer white men to the exclusion of everyone else—and Asian and Hispanic women prefer them even more exclusively. These three types of women only respond well to white men. More significantly, these groups’ reply rates to non-whites is terrible. Asian women write back non-white males at 21.9%, Hispanic women at 22.9%, and white women at 23.0%."

Looks like The White Male's got it made! I know plenty of dorky ones, and meet even more. ;-) At this point, the whole thing descends into a sociological exercise.

When you mix race and religion, looks like if you are a white guy who is laughing about his religion, you are hot in online dating. That cocktail sounds weird.

If you are out to date an entire race or two, these numbers are alarming. But if you are looking for one person, these numbers are boring. That person is out there.

Conclusion: Macro matters, but micro is where it happens or not.

Seeking My Race-Based Valentine Online This Valentine's Day, more of us than ever will be looking for love online. And if recent studies are any guide, relatively few women on mainstream dating sites will bother to respond to overtures from men of Asian descent. Likewise, black women will be disproportionately snubbed by men of all races. ..... Behind computer screens and cutely coded user names, people clearly communicate things about race that few would ever say aloud in a bar........ lists 10 racial and ethnic groups users can select as preferred dates. Among the women, 73% stated a preference. Of these, 64% selected whites only, while fewer than 10% included East Indians, Middle Easterners, Asians or blacks....... a little different for the men, 59% of whom stated a racial preference. Of these, nearly half selected Asians, but fewer than 7% did for black women....... men's choices are influenced by the media's portrayal of Asian women as being hypersexual and black women as being bossy..... "racism is alive and well." ...... black women garnered the fewest responses of any female group. White women responded at much higher rates to white men than to men of color. Asian women's and Latinas' response rates showed even stronger preferences for white men

How Your Race Affects The Messages You Get despite what you might’ve heard from the Obama campaign and organic cereal commercials, racism is alive and well ..... When I first started looking at first-contact attempts and who was writing who back, it was immediately obvious that the sender’s race was a huge factor. ..... although race shouldn’t matter in messaging, it does. A lot. ...... Black women reply the most, yet get by far the fewest replies. Essentially every race—including other blacks—singles them out for the cold shoulder. ...... White guys are shitty, but fairly even-handed about it. The average reply rate of non-white males is 48.1%, while white guys’ is only 40.5%. Basically, they write back about 20% less often. It’s ironic that white guys are worst responders, because as we saw above they get the most replies. That has apparently made them very self-absorbed.
How Races and Religions Match in Online Dating Astrological sign has no effect whatsoever on how compatible two people are. ...... Jewish men, in particular, have an above average match percentage with every religious group. They even match Muslim women better than Muslim men do ....... Why, for example, Hindu men would match worst with Hindu women is a mystery....... Protestant Christians only truly match well with other Christians. Catholics have above average match percentages with Hindus, Jews, and even Agnostics. ...... The less serious you are about religion, the better liked you are, even by very religious people. ...... Muslims and Protestants tend to be more intense about their beliefs than the others, and Jews and Agnostics are by far the least serious. ....... If religion is a minefield, then race is a field that’s just one giant mine. ...... white people tend to be better liked, (or, if you want to think reciprocally, do more liking) than the other races, or that black and Indian men are less liked/liking, but, still, those differences are small compared to what we saw with religion ....... It’s not as simple as saying, Mary really likes hockey and Bob really likes hockey, therefore they are a good match—which is how many dating sites work. What if instead Mary really likes being dominated during sex? If Bob also needs to be dominated, and good sex is important to them, Bob and Mary are terrible matches. In bed, at least, they both want their opposites.....OkCupid is no more responsible for people’s match percentages than Microsoft Excel is responsible for their net worth.


In the Calculations of Online Dating, Love Can Be Cruel It is love in the time of ones and zeros, the rudimentary language of computers. In the digital age, everything must at some point be reduced to this basic construct of choice: One or zero. Yes or no. On or off.......“What everyone is looking for is chemistry,” she said, “and that’s not quantifiable.”
Three Steps to Demystifying Online Dating Pick someplace casual. Opt for a happy hour or a coffee shop — not a play or a four-course dinner. If the chemistry isn’t there, you’ll have an easy exit.....do not tell your date that you Googled them, even though you most likely have.


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