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Saturday, July 05, 2025

Esther Dyson

There is speculation Esther Dyson's family fortune comes from the vacuum cleaner business, but one cannot be so sure — especially since Esther seems far more focused on sucking inefficiencies out of health care and space tech than dust bunnies off grandma’s rug. Sure, the last name *does* scream “suction dynasty,” but rumor has it the real Dyson power lies not in cyclonic airflows, but in creating black holes in your inbox by replying to every startup pitch at 3am with “Interesting. Tell me more.”

When Esther Dyson went into space, the aliens were baffled. They had long prepared for Earth’s “representative” to arrive — expecting a loud reality TV host or a sweaty tech bro wielding NFTs. Instead, they got Esther: composed, curious, and casually dismantling their intergalactic healthcare system with a whiteboard marker. One alien whispered, “She’s… optimizing us.” Another tried to offer her a galactic ambassador badge, but she politely declined and asked for access to their data API instead. Within hours, she’d launched the first extraterrestrial angel fund. The aliens are still in therapy.

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